Bum Ex-Boyfriends

You know what gets my undies in a bunch? Bum ex-boyfriends that surface out of nowhere with apologies and pleads of personal improvement, and “I really want you to know how much I’ve changed” statements.

Nice girl that I am, I totally entertain it but you know what? In the future, I have to be a nice big B and shut it down before it has the chance to spiral into… his recent ex, or not-so-ex, sees that he’s been texting me, steals my number from his phone and texts me a “fair warning” about said bum ex-boyfriend. Yes, friends, that happened.

Since then, last week, I’ve deleted that text from his psycho as well as all the texts from him; sayonara nice to know ya’.

In the future, I’ll just reply like one of these people did:

 

Thank you BuzzFeed for these screengrabs.

 

BuzzFeed Dateable Quiz

Thank you, Mandie, for sharing this BuzzFeed quiz on how dateable one might be.

I took said quiz and apparently I’m a “total catch”. That’s right fellow dates and prospective future husband, I’m a total catch! What does that even mean? Well, according to BuzzFeed,

You are Grade-A dating material, the good stuff, the epitome of #RelationshipGoals. You’re the total package, head to toe — looks, brains, attitude. Like, are you even human? You are THAT perfect.

I don’t think I’m “THAT perfect”, I definitely have my flaws… but can a BuzzFeed quiz be totally wrong? I think not. Call me.

 

Shark Week

I’m one of those people who has total respect for the ocean and everything that lives in it; I don’t even EAT anything that comes from the water. And so, as I walk to and from work every day eyeing this massive Shark Week billboard…

…that, for lack of better words, AdWeek describes as a “Chum-Tossing Celebration of Carnivorous Delights”, I can’t help but think,

What is so fascinating about sharks?! Have I missed something huge because I’ve never seen Jaws? I should probably watch Jaws. But I’m such a beach bum… will I be forever scared to get in the water if I watch Jaws? I probably shouldn’t watch it…right?

I never really knew Shark Week was even a “thing”, especially not for young dainty women, until I met my ex-co-worker Kayla who has a strange irreversible passion for sharks.
As she quotes on her blog (that a friend of hers once said),

Shark Week is the closest thing Kayla has to a religion.

Meanwhile, this weeklong programming has been around since before I was born! Actually, I was 1 month and 5 days old when it first aired but you get what I mean.

The Discovery Channel’s Shark Week, first broadcast on July 17, 1987, is a weeklong series of feature television programs dedicated to sharks. Held annually, normally in July or August, Shark Week was originally developed to raise awareness and respect for sharks. It is the longest-running cable television programming event in history. – Read more on Wikipedia.

So, in all my curious stupor, I’ve decided that maybe I’ll actually take part and ride this Shark Week ride this year. It starts August 10th (have you seen the trailer?) and I’m thinking this will be a great crash course. What better way to learn how to swim than to just jump in the deep end? Amiright?

Dear Lovey Dovey Couple

I didn’t take this photo; I’ve added it simply for mood setting – click for photograher credit.

Dear Lovey Dovey Couple packing on the PDA next to me on the plane this morning (18E & 18F),

While you’re both super hot, totally sun-kissed from your Miami vaca and taking cute selfies together, your lip-smacking and giggling on a 6AM flight is totally unnecessary. While 50% of this is coming from a jealous place, the other 50% is definitely coming from an angry “I-want-to-sleep-on-this-flight-not-hear-you-kissing”-place.

So, in the future, have some airplane etiquette and be a little more thoughtful about your fellow plane neighbors.

Thanks so much!

Mindy & Me: On Men vs Boys

 

This post is a solid combo of a couple of different stories in Mindy’s book related to men vs boys and the small things guys can (and should) do to be great (and more like men).

Let’s start with this Bible of sorts that you (boys) need to start memorizing and preaching ASAP.

Mindy’s Incredibly Presumptuous Guide To Being An Awesome Guy

  1. Buy a well-fitting peacoat from J.Crew.
  2. Have a signature drink like James Bond.
  3. Own several pairs of dark-wash straight-leg jeans.
  4. Wait until all the women have gotten on or off an elevator before you get on or off.
  5. When you think a girl looks pretty, say it.
  6. Avoid asking if someone needs help in the kitchen or at a party, just start helping.
  7. Have one great cologne that’s not from the drugstore.
  8. Your girlfriend’s siblings or parents might be totally nuts but always defend them.
  9. Kiehl’s for your skin, Bumble and Bumble for your hair.
  10. I really think guys only need two pairs of shoes.
  11. Bring wine or chocolate to everything.
  12. Get a little jealous now and again, even if you’re not strictly a jealous guy.

I don’t have much to add here other than that I really wanted any guys that read my blog to be aware of these small ideas because it’s a great guide hidden in a book a guy would never buy.

In addition to this guide, Mindy, in the following short story, explains the difference between men and boys, and how men really, actually, scare the shit out of her. I’m not 30 yet and feel the same way! Here’s a snip-it:

Until I was 30, I only dated boys, as far as I can tell. I’ll tell you why. Men scare the shit out of me. 

Men know what they want. Men make concrete plans. Men own alarm clocks. Men go to the dentist. Men go in for a kiss without giving you some long preamble about how they’re thinking of kissing you. Men know what they want and they don’t let you in on their inner monologue, and that is scary.

Because what I was used to was boys.

Boys are adorable. Boys trail off their sentences in an appealing way. Boys have “gigs”. Boys are broke.

Boys are (also wonderful in a lot of ways. They’re impulsive. Boys can talk for hours with you in a diner at 3AM because they don’t have regular work hours. But they suck to date when you turn 30.

…But I observed in Peter (the only “man” Mindy dated in her twenties) a quality that I found really appealing and that I knew I wanted in the next guy I dated seriously: a guy who wasn’t afraid of commitment…

I’m not talking about commitment to romantic relationships. I’m talking about commitment to things: houses, jobs, neighborhoods. I think when men hear that women want a commitment, they think it means a commitment to a romantic relationship, but that’s not it.

It’s a commitment to not floating around anymore.

I want a guy who is entrenched in his own life. Entrenched is awesome.

So I’m into men now, even though they can be frightening.

I want a schedule-keeping, waking-up-early, wallet-carrying, non-Velcro-shoe-wearing man.

I couldn’t have said it better myself, Mindy. Real men are scary as hell, and so it’s super easy to revert to a hottie that doesn’t have it together. But just like you, we all learn from everyone we date. We especially learn what we want and don’t want from the next person.

While I’m not your age, Mindy, I’m wise beyond my years and I’m already in the boat you describe above. I’m scared but I also know that I have more than any “boy” can offer me. I, too, need to be into men now.

Mindy & Me: On Hooking Up

I’m kind of sad that my “Mindy & Me” series is almost over! Really, the entire point of this was to share how great her book is to women similar to me and Mindy. So, if you haven’t read it… go read it! It’s a great little refreshing distraction.

My fave scene from Season 2 of The Mindy Project.

Today, Mindy and I cover “hooking up”. Mindy’s short rant on hooking up is all about how the term “hooking up” is completely confusing and misused (I agree) by everyone. What does it even mean anymore? Does it mean first base? A home run? Or something in between? Or like, a synonym for …connecting? “Let’s hook up for coffee”??

Mindy explains that because of her lack of “sexual incidents” in high school/college/post grad, preferring “ghost stories with flashlights than tales of raunchy sex encounters”, she’s fallen behind on her terminology.

Some version of this happens to me constantly:

PSYCHED PAL: Oh, hey! I hooked up with Nikki last night.

ME: That’s awesome! You’ve liked her for a while. Nice job.

(We high-five. A pause.)

ME: What do you mean? Did you have sex?

PSYCHED PAL: You’re disgusting.

It’s not that I’m some pervert looking for lurid details… it’s just that I have no idea what you are talking about. There have been times when friends have said they hooked up with someone and all it means is that they had a highly anticipated kissing session. Other times, it’s a full-on-all-night-sexathon.

Can’t we have a universal understanding of the term, once and for all?

From now on, let’s all agree that hooking up = sex.

Everything else is “made out”.

And if you’re older than 28, then just kissing someone doesn’t count for crap and is not even worth mentioning.

I have nothing more to add other than that, Mindy, I totally agree!

Mindy & Me: Poor Eating Choices

In a couple of pages in Mindy’s book, she addresses the day she stopped eating cupcakes; I knew before even starting the short story that I would totally understand.

In a nutshell, Mindy talks about “Sunshine Cupcakes”, a bakery she would frequent when she’d go out on script*.

…So, yeah, on my fourth consecutive visit to Sunshine Cupcakes, I was paying for my cupcake when the female manager approached me.

GIRL: You’ve come here a lot this week.
ME (mouthful of generous sample): Yeah, I love this place, man.
GIRL: We know you’re on Twitter. And if you’re willing to tweet about loving Sunshine cupcakes, this cupcake is free.

I did not know it was possible to be triple offended. First of all, Manager Woman, if you notice that a thirty-two-year-old woman is coming to your cupcake bakery every day of the week, keep that information to yourself. I don’t need to be reminded of how poor my food choices are on a regular basis…

This is why I never eat cupcakes anymore. The connotations are too disturbing.

I feel the same way about my favorite pizzeria, which I have on speed dial and order from often. Every time I order and they confirm my phone number (probably hoping I’m calling for someone else, or a different address), they know exactly who I am and my address (thanks to their handy-dandy system) which I also confirm sheepishly.

I swear once they know it’s me… I can sense the eye rolling through the phone. What is the big deal? As a fabulous bachelorette, busy with work and grad school and a social life, I don’t have time to cook. Besides, pizza place(!), I really like your pizza/chicken Caesar salads/your really good bread; get over it. It’s a compliment!

So you see, Mindy, while I don’t think I’ll stop eating pizza at this place, I totally empathize with your feelings about Manager Woman because I have bratty Pizza Girl judging me.

If this is your first read of my “Mindy & Me” series, check out Day 1 and 2.

*Out on script refers to when writers are sent off on their own to write a first draft of an episode of a show. – Mindy